This morning, I lost my grandmother.

For the last three years, we’ve watched her deteriorate with an unknown ailment.

It started out slow. She lost her balance leaving Walmart and broke her wrist.

Then she started falling more often and was losing control over her limbs. Local doctors couldn’t pin point it.

A trip to Mayo was had. Even those doctors couldn’t figure it out. The best they could find was that her brain was deteriorating in three areas and no one knew why.

She went into a nursing home at the end of 2011. It wasn’t long before she was confined to a wheelchair. It drove her crazy. She hated being in the home and not being able to do what she wanted to. We still brought her to as many ball games as we could and celebrated holidays in her house (my parents just purchased it this year and intend to move there by next year).

When I went home for my grandpa’s memorial service at the end of July, it shocked me how much worse she had gotten. When I left last year for Hawaii, she could still speak to me and give me a hug on her own.  This time, she couldn’t lift her head and could barely answer when asked a question.

My mom texted me yesterday that grandma wasn’t doing well. She’d been increasingly worse early in the week. I called mom and found out that grandma was unresponsive and running a fever. She was sitting with her and the hospice care had given her morphine so she wasn’t in pain.

Mom called me this morning to say she’d passed peacefully. I thank God for that. I’m heartbroken, especially since I am 4000 miles away from the one place I want to be the most.

So now I can reflect on my grandma as I remember her.

In recent years, I had started going to her house in the next town over and hanging out with her as my dad’s mother’s Alzheimer’s escalated.  I often was tasked with her care and needed a break, so I started to drive to grandma’s to sit on her covered patio and talk for a few hours. I’d end up visiting 3-4, sometimes 5, days a week.

We’d sit on her patio and listen to her collection of windchimes. Other times, we’d sit around her table and have a few beers and peanut M&Ms while we talked.  She looked forward to our chats just like I did.

On Husker game days, the extended family would gather at her house and do tequila shots for every touchdown the Huskers made (half shots for field goals). We’d yell at the television and eat party food. Football season was her favorite.

Every Christmas, my mom would force us to all stand in front of her tree and take a photo. Growing up, I’d grudgingly done so, but now…I’m so thankful to have those memories.

Grandma was always known for her dangly earrings.  She’d wear a different pair every day and the holiday ones were her favorite.

She collected angels too and helped me start my own collection.

Grandma didn’t shy away from saying exactly what was on her mind. Her lack of filter got her in trouble a few times at the care center.

We were blessed for her to attend both my graduation from college and my wedding–I’m so thankful the Mister got to meet her. She really liked him.

I am trying to be strong because I know she isn’t suffering any more.  It’s just very hard to be so far from home right now. I hope she is looking down on me with that beautiful smile and knows that I love her so very much.

Save me a spot on that patio, grandma. I’ll bring the beer.

-A. xoxo